Lost
by MADAM BETH
Summary: Woody talks about the pain he's experienced in life. (WJ eventually)
1. Default Chapter

When I lost my mother I was too little to understand. She went to heaven to be with God and she'd always be with me. That's what everyone said and in my innocence I believed it.

When I lost my father I understood too well. He told Cal and I he would never leave us and then on his hospital bed he tearfully admitted to me that he wouldn't be able to keep that promise just before his hand loosened in mine and I felt him slip away.

They called him a hero but he was shot in the back. In all of the western movies we watched together it was always the coward that was shot in the back; the hero wouldn't have been shot at all. He may have been doing his job and it may not have been cowardly of him to accidentally get shot but I could never stop feeling like it was a cowardly thing to have left us when he promised that he never would.

It hurt when I lost my mom. She used to sing to me after she rocked my brother to sleep and I would fall asleep gently rubbing the silky material of one of the scarves she wore to cover her balding head. They were her princess crowns she told us. Gold or silver ones would be too heavy so she said she preferred to wear a very special soft, flowing type of crown instead.

It hurt when I lost my dad. He'd always been there for us, supporting us, even when I knew he ached for my mother in the early summer evening when they would have been sitting on the back porch watching Cal and I explore the yard or bring them a jar of lightning bugs. He taught me how to be a good man. When he was just beginning to share the secrets of adulthood with Cal though he was taken away from us, leaving me to try and finish the job. I suddenly felt like the statue of Atlas I'd seen in my history books, the weight of the world balanced on my shoulders, the responsibility of making sure that my younger brother had a good life overshadowing the desperate hold I was trying to keep on a childhood I never really had.

Because I felt it was what I was supposed to do, I started drinking coffee the day after my father's funeral. It was awful but I found that a nice balance of lots of cream and six sugars dulled the bitter taste it left me with. I worked after school and my aunts and uncles helped out with paying for the house and necessities, wanting us to each keep hold of the little savings accounts our parents had started when we were each born and the equally little bit of money my father had left us to help pay for our college one day.

I thought I was doing good. I had Cal up and ready for school every morning and made sure he did his homework at night. We tried to carry on as normally as possible but we were always 'those poor Hoyt boys'. Motherless and fatherless which in a small Midwestern town also equaled hopeless to the people looking in from the outside. We didn't keep to ourselves but we weren't particularly outgoing either. Kids at school teased me that I was crazy for not living for having no one to answer to, parents bugging me to know where I was going and with who every night. They didn't understand that I was too busy trying to BE a parent.

As much as it hurt to lose my mother and then my father, the loss that cut me the deepest was when I lost my brother. He didn't get sick and pass away or take a bullet over 50 bucks in a gas station cash register. He made a choice and that choice turned him to a culture he knew my father hated more than anything. Maybe it was his way of thumbing his nose at the old man for dying or maybe at me for having been given the power to "run his life" but at 18 my brother found the love of his life in a little white powder called cocaine.


	2. hurt

Because I forgot to in the first chapter, I don't own anything much less Crossing Jordan and it's characters..

It started out innocent enough. Cal wanted more freedom and I tried to give it to him, I only wanted to know generally where he was going and always made sure it was the right crowd he was hanging out with. When at 16 I should have been worrying about nothing more than who to ask to the junior prom and whether I'd pass my driver's license test I suddenly found myself the man of the house and I tried so hard. To be the man my father wanted me to be. To be the man my father was.

I couldn't go away to college, I had a brother to finish raising after all so I took classes at night at the community college and worked for the sheriff's department during the day as a patrol officer. By the time I became a deputy I had the badge, the gun and the sheriff's daughter on my arm to complete the picture. I was a deputy, following in my father's footsteps just seemed the logical choice. It was what Cal knew and I wanted him to feel safe again. As wrapped up in taking my father's place as I was I failed to realize that Cal was still lost himself, not knowing who or what was supposed to come of him. It was hard to notice at first, the charismatic little bullshitter, that's what my dad always called Cal. Where I wore my heart on my sleeve for the most part, Cal bottled his feelings, pretended like nothing was wrong. As much as I tried to write it off as growing pains, I didn't realize until it was too late that Cal was self-destructing inside.

I told Dr. Macy that I'd put it all behind me. But for as often as I've heard those words from Jordan I'm as sure now as I was every time the words were uttered from her mouth that I'm absolutely 100 percent full of it.

To this day I can't help but feeling responsible for what happened to Cal nor can I stop feeling that same responsibility for Sheriff Cody's refusal of my asking his permission to marry Annie. He said no daughter of his was going to marry a cop. What he really meant was she wasn't going to marry a guy who let his little brother turn into a junkie.

I've had a few times in my life where I've felt completely helpless but when I was knocked on my ass by a lethal dose of heroin was the first time I ever wished I could turn myself inside out and power wash my insides or completely transfuse my blood. There isn't anything I hate more in the world than drugs except for maybe child molesters and to know that my body had been poisoned by those awful, life destroying things made me want to scream.

I wanted to scream for not being able to stop what had happened to me and somewhere deep inside I wanted to scream for stupidly thinking that I could have saved Cal from the person he once was and I hoped he never would be again.But I couldn't save my brother. He turned into something I never imagined he'd be. Some….awful thing that happened to other families. Like the cancer I ignored in my mother or the facts I refused to see when the doctor told me my father was not going to live I waited until it was too late to confront Cal about his drug problem. He told me to back off, it wasn't a problem it just made him feel better. That wasn't good enough I told him. I lost my parents too and I haadn't used drugs to dull the pain. That's because you're better than me was all he had to say in his 18 year-old sarcasm.

I blew up then, demanding to know everything a….father wants to know. Why had he done it? Who had he gotten it from? Where on earth did he get the money when he didn't have a job? He was quiet for a long moment then and I saw the first hint of shame pass over his face since he'd been using. His college fund. The money my parents had saved for each of us from our first birthdays on.

I no longer felt sorry for him when I realized what he'd become. I was disgusted by him and I let him know as much. I couldn't even look at him so I pointed down the hallway towards his room and told him to get out of my sight. He yelled at me, telling me that I wasn't his father and it was his money to do with as he pleased. I screamed at him, telling him it was our parents' money as I got right in his face.

"Yeah? Well they're dead what are they going to do with it!" he screamed just as loudly back and without a second though I smacked him across the face so hard that it dropped him to the floor. This wasn't the brother I knew. He'd been replaced by some monster who cared about nothing but how and where he could get his next fix.


	3. Connecticut

After I'd hit Cal and he went to his room I cried. I rarely ever cried but I couldn't help myself. I'd never laid a hand on him before like that. All of the things he'd done growing up had never made me angry enough to raise my hand to him but I just couldn't help myself anymore.

When I'd let myself and Cal cool off I went to his room and offered to get him help. I didn't trust him to stay in rehab so I took the week off from work and detoxed him myself. It was the most heartbreaking, draining week I ever spent. He cried, shook, begged me for something to get him through the pain but I held fast. I cleaned him up when he got sick, I wrapped him in blankets when he went through body wracking chills and afterwards things seemed to get better. Cal didn't take drugs anymore. I knew only because I had him tested every week, even as far as standing over his shoulder while he peed in a cup. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep him clean. He was all I had left afterall.

"And so it did work, for a little at least, until Cal found other things to be addicted to." Woody said sighing as he took one last sip of his beer and rolled it between his palms, daring a glance Jordan's way as she leaned with her elbows on the table in front of her.

"…like gambling and alcohol?" Jordan asked lifting her own bottle a little and waving off the waiter starting their way ready to ask the untimely question of whether they wanted another round.

Woody just nodded. "So like I told you…I put him in AA, NA, GA…he'd get as far as that 4th step about…taking a moral inventory of yourself before he'd realize he didn't want to see what he had become and he'd find some excuse not to go back." He said sighing with the defeat of a battle he'd finally realized he couldn't ever win.

"You can't give up on him Woody." Jordan said softly reaching out to touch his hand lightly. "You say you can but I know you..." she said with a little smile and a knowing wink. "you don't give up on ANYTHING."

Woody only nodded sadly and finished his beer. "Well…speaking of giving up.." he yawned with a look at his watch. "It's been a long few days and I just wanna give up on tonight." Woody sighed and rubbed the back of his head before pushing away from the little bar table and stretching as he stood.

"I'll give you a lift," Jordan said wrapping an arm around his waist. "You've had a little too much to drink and some cab driver might take advantage of you." She told him as they walked out to the parking lot. Woody tried to protest but Jordan just pushed him into the passenger seat of her car and ran her fingertips of one hand through his short hair. She wasn't used to being the one to take care of him. That had always been Woody's job, or so he always seemed to think.

"I would think for your size you'd be able to hold your alcohol a little better." Jordan mumbled closing the door and heading around to the passengers side of the car. Woody just mumbled back in return and turned to his side in the seat as his eyes closed. 'yes,' Jordan though as she pulled out into traffic. 'I could get used to this taking care of someone else thing'. Even if it did scare the shit out of her.

As she pulled up to Woody's place Jordan was thankful that she didn't have work the next day as she stood at the passenger side door trying to figure out how exactly she was going to drag Woody's 6 foot, 3 inch frame into the building and onto the elevator. She smiled and leaned in close to his ear. "Wooooodrow….bed time, come on." She whispered and stroked back his hair.

Woody just grumbled at her like a child and wrapped his arms around himself.

"Come on big guy." Jordan said tugging him out of the car and to the door of his building. She thought he was playing at first but it soon became very clear that it wasn't simply the alcohol but the emotional exhaustion of the past few days catching up with him.

Once up to his apartment Jordan found his keys and took him inside, dropping him to the bed where he yawned and shamelessly pulled off his clothes until he was down to his boxers and he crawled under the covers. Jordan didn't think he'd even realized she was there until he called out to her when she turned to leave the bedroom.

"Yes?" Jordan whispered back, one hand leaning on the door frame. Was he going to ask her to stay? If he did would she say yes? If she said yes what was she agreeing to? She held her breath and waited for an answer.

"Thanks…….for everything." He whispered tiredly.

She smiled softly back at the pile of talking blankets on the bed. "You're welcome farm boy." She whispered before pulling the door shut.

The next morning Woody woke half hoping to find Jordan in bed with him but he wasn't completely disappointed when he didn't. He'd never admit it to the world outside that always saw him as the carefree mid westerner he just wasn't deep down, but he needed the time to heal alone. Feeling that lost connection to his brother the night before had left him feeling that heartbreaking loss all over again and the only way he felt he could avoid ever feeling it again was to try and phase Cal out of his life. He knew the process would need time and he wouldn't easily get over losing the only family he had left, but he also knew now that Cal wasn't all he had in the world.

"Cavanaugh." Jordan mumbled as she pulled the receiver out of the cradle and rested it to her ear.

"Hey, Jordan…it's me." Woody said still lying in bed. "I uhh..I just wanted to thank you…again for last night…and for bringing me home and all." He said nodding and rubbed his eyes. "I thought maybe I'd take you out for breakfast as a sorta thank you." He suggested with a smile.

Jordan looked at her clock and rolled her eyes. Only Woody could be chipper at 9 am the morning after drinking away a good chunk of brain cells.

"Yeah. Sure. Breakfast." She murmured and sat up. "Give me an hour though? Where are we going?" she asked.

"Connecticut."


	4. free will

"Why Connecticut?" Jordan asked as Woody opened the door to his apartment and let her in.

"Why not?" he shrugged and pulled the toothbrush out of his mouth, rounding the corner to the bathroom. "I can't just wanna go somewhere else and hang out for a….a little..maybe stay a day or two?" he asked emerging a moment later wiping his mouth.

When he saw the raised eyebrow and question on Jordan's face he just shrugged. "No…no Woody I can't, I've…I've got work, it's laundary night and I need to fight Mrs. Collins for a washer and if I don't show she'll think I whimped out…" Jordan said even as Woody pulled her out the door.

"Come on it'll be fun, and we're both overdue for a break…" he left out for now, that he planned on that break involving connecting hotel rooms and the hopes that they'd have a chance to talk some things over concerning 'them', not that he'd tell her that until they were well out of range of Boston, he half suspected she'd throw herself into oncoming traffic. No, actually he was sure of it.

"And who said I could take the time off from work you know I…" Jordan began an excuse until she realized Woody knew full well and good that she had more than anyone's share of days off.

"Here, use my phone." Woody said pulling out his cell as he shouldered his overnight bag and they headed to his car. "I'm sure he'd be happy to have me take you off his hands for a day…or two." He smirked and Jordan pushed the phone back.

" TWO? Why do I feel like there's more than you're telling me? Tonight, We'll stay until JUST tonight but I'll call in case I'm too tired from the drive back to go in in the morning…and and…I'll use my own phone thank you very much." Jordan said returning his smirk and begrudgingly yanking the car door open. At least to Woody it seemed begrudgingly. She was actually looking forward to some alone time with Woody.

After a VERY brief conversation with Garret where Jordan tried to get him to pretend she had paper work to do Jordan grumbled that he'd said something to the effect of 'God bless you' to pass along to Woody who just chuckled as they headed out on the road. "Told ya so." He sing songed and Jordan smacked his arm hard.

"You think you've got me ALL figured out don't you? With…with your, knowing I have time off and Garret would be glad to get rid of me. You don't know everything there is to know about me Hoyt, I'm crazy ya know, you should be running for the hills by now." She said shaking her head as she watched the scenery go by out the window. "I actually believe I told you as much at one point didn't I?" she asked finally turning to look at Woody.

"Yes, yes you did…and as you may have noticed, I ignored you." He said then scratched his chin pretending to think. "Sounds vaguely familiar doesn't it?" Of course he was speaking of every time he'd told Jordan to do something and she'd blatantly ignored him.

Opening and closing her mouth like a fish several times Jordan finally gave up with a groan and folded her arms.

"I ALSO know that if you didn't want to be here…." Woody said softly, growing serious for the moment. "You wouldn't be. You are your own woman Jordan. I'd never try to change that about you. I'd just like to be the guy who finally gets to know that woman you hide so well from the world." He said reaching over to touch her knee once lightly.

It amazed Jordan that the size of Woody's hands said nothing of the tenderness with which they could be used. He was a cop, he'd shot and killed people but he touched her like she was…porcelain.

Without thinking, she rested her hand on top of his and smiled gently at him. "Thank you." She said softly and made no move to take her hand away as she turned back to watch the road, settling into the idea of a day…or two away from home. With Woody.

They arrived at a small diner around lunch time and each ordered a Belgian waffle.

"These are a big deal at home…I used to make them for Cal and my dad every Sunday after church." Woody said smiling at the memory.

"How did your dad do it? I mean…he still took you guys to church even after..well…you know after your mom died and all?" Jordan asked taking a break from her waffle as Woody continued to stuff his down.

"Well yeah…moreso actually. He told us we could check in on her all the time but especially on Sunday at church. He said Sunday is the day of prayer and what is prayer but talking to someone you believe is there to listen." Woody explained like it made all the sense in the world. "So we could be absolutely sure that my mom was listening on Sundays and if she missed one God could always pass the message on."

Jordan smiled, imagining Woody and Cal as sweet little boys sitting in a pew innocently going on to their mother in heaven about their week at school, tattling on one another and of course, telling her that they missed her.

"It's how I remember her actually…" Woody said clearing his throat. "It's why I still go." He admitted with only minimal embarrassment. He finally felt like he could share these things with Jordan. He wondered if maybe they weren't already talking about 'them' afterall.

"I guess I just didn't feel like I needed church to remember my mom. Yeah, we went to church before she died but afterwards…I don't know I just…I couldn't understand a God that would take someone's mother away." Jordan said quietly and looked down at her plate.

Woody just shrugged. "People deal with tragedy different ways.I mean take me for example." He said holding out his arms with a grin. "You always took me for one big merry ray of hoosier sunshine right?" he asked with a wink. "Well, now you know that that's just how I deal. I have problems…" he nodded sullenly. "More than your average person but I try not to let them eat away at my resolve to have the best life I can, you know?" he asked and Jordan nodded slightly.

"Believe it or not, I have my moments when things piss me off..."

"Really," she cut him off sarcastically. 'I would have _never_ guessed." She added with a smirk as she could recall off the top of her head a dozen times she'd made that vein in his forehead pop out.

"Just….hear me out…What I mean is I may get pissed off but I guess I just always think to myself that it could be worse. It just sometimes I don't know how...but _worse._ When I lost my folks it was the end of the world and then when Cal, the jack ass, ...and...and the drugs and stuff.

Jordan looked around the half empty diner as Woody became more animated to see if they were starting to cause a scene. "Woody, you really don't have to...,"

"I do. Things got a lot worse, trust me. I did _a lot_ of praying for that boy...I prayed to God, to my mom and dad, to whoever the hell would listen"

"Woody," she sighed reaching across the table to take his hand. "You can't MAKE someone not take drugs just as well as you can't make someone believe in God. If that were possible wouldn't you expect there'd a lot less atheists in the world? Free will can't be controlled just because it's what we want."

With a small smile Woody covered her hand with both of his. Seeing the segway he seized the opportunity "True. If freewill were controllable I sure wouldn't have spent the past few years chasing you around like I have been."

'...and maybe I wouldn't have run so fast.' The words on the tip of her tongue made Jordan squirm. She straightedn up and pushed her food around on her plate. She knew it was coming, but she'd hoped it'd be closer to dinner than breakfast. She didn't know if she was ready to admit it yet. "Well, you know that's one way I could have told you you had problems." She laughed trying to break the ice. Woody threw a paper napkin at her and started picking at his food. Jordan rolled her eyes.

"Come on Woodrow, wasn't this supposed to be about getting away from our worries and cares for the day?" she asked.

"Worries yes…cares no. I care a lot for you Jordan. More than I've cared about anyone in a long time and …and I know that you know that. And I also know that it scares you." Woody said reaching to touch her hand again. "But why Jordan? Why do I scare you so much?" he asked softly.

After a long moment of looking at him Jordan shrugged. "I didn't go to church and I uh….I believed my mother was lost to me. You know completely lost and that made me feel so alone, SO alone. I had dad but he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to remember the bad and so instead of remembering the good instead we just sort of…forgot everything." She said wiping the corner of one eye. "Do you remember your mother Woody? I mean REALLY remember her, not the stuff your dad told you happened." She said softly.

After leaning back a moment, Woody nodded confidently. A wistful smile came over his face and Jordan could tell he was deep in thought. "Yeah..." he said softly and caressed the handle of his coffee cup with his thumb. "I remember her hair...when she had it and the way she'd laugh. I remember I really missed that sound toward the end. There was a lot of good for a while. I was just too young to really appreciate it until she got sick. At four, it was all I had to hold on to." He raised his eyes to meet Jordan's. Whether mental or physical sickness; he knew it was something they both understood when describing their mothers.

Jordan realized he wasn't just talking about himself anymore. So instead of having their talk in a little diner at the beginning of Connecticut she just nodded and called for the check.

"Come on, we've got a bit longer of a drive before we get to New Haven was it you said were going to? The beach Wood? You know it's kinda still March out right?" she asked and Woody just smiled. He didn't really plan on spending too much time on the beach.


	5. Daisy Duke and Dinner

By the time they got to New Haven it was nearly time to stop for another meal. Jordan and Woody had spent the car ride talking about everything from Jordan's secret affections for Radar on MASH and Woody's not so secret affections for Daisy Duke's shorts.

"…Why does that not surprise me?" Jordan asked as they drove through the small city towards the ocean.

Woody turned his head quickly, appalled. "Daisy Duke is an American icon…she was the first woman I ever looked at with any kind of positive feeling. She cured me of cooties!" he argued, bent on distracting her from the fact that he was pulling up to a hotel.

"Alright, come on, we'll just go check in real quick and then paint the town red." Woody announced. "I talked Lily into getting me a dress for you…she handled the shoes from her own closet." He said hurriedly jumping out of the front seat and handing the valet his keys.

"Well but….and you…" Jordan's mouth hung open as she sat stunned in the passenger seat. "You TRICKED me?" she asked and Woody just nodded.

"Uh huh, come on let's get going…your bag's in the trunk." He smiled charmingly and grabbed it out of the back and walked for the door. Jordan just watched him go for a moment before opening the car door with a defeated sigh. She had a feeling this was going to be a long ass night.

"Free will my ass." She mumbled as he held the hotel door open for her. When they reached the lobby the full implications of the situation finally hit Jordan.

"Woody…wait.." She said softly and took him aside at the check in desk. "I don't…I don't know what you were expecting this to be.." she said with a wave around the lobby and one between them. "But I just don't think it's…."

"Two rooms, single beds." Woody said with a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I'd never take advantage of you Jordan. Honest." He nodded and smiled softly at her. "Come on, my treat." He said putting an arm around her shoulders and kissing the side of her head as they went back to the desk.

"Hi there, reservation for Hoyt, two rooms." He said holding up the same number of fingers. The desk attendant nodded and scrolled through the names.

"Nice dress…glad you gave the job to Lily and didn't try and find one yourself." She said with a wink.

"Really? Still with the tie thing?" Woody teased and started to say more but the attendant clucked her tongue. "Oh…here we are, actually though it's ONE room with TWO beds…though I'm not sure why.. "she mumbled looking between the two attractive people in front of her.

"No no, that must be a mistake, it's TWO rooms, ONE bed in each." Woody assured her and nervously rolled his eyes at Jordan.

"Actually no…it's ONE room TWO beds…we're all booked up with a couple of weddings in town.." The attendant said tapping her fingernails on the desk. "Sorry hun, we can do a search at some other local hotels if you wanted to try.." Woody looked at Jordan.

"One room is fine." Jordan said after thinking a moment. "I have my mace with me." She smirked and punched Woody in the arm lightly before picking up her bag. Woody watched Jordan walk towards the elevator and shook his head.

"We'll take it." He said holding a hand out for the key cards.

"Are you sure you're okay with this Jordan?" Woody asked with a grunt as he dropped his bag onto one of the beds. "And more importantly were you serious about the mace?" he asked pointing at her with raised eyebrows.

Jordan loved being able to push his buttons and the longer she knew Woody the easier it became to find the right ones. "Let's hope you don't have to find out." She said ominously and dropped her bag on the floor. "So do I get the first shower being as I'm the lady?" she asked brightly.

"I don't know about that 'lady' part, " Woody teased settling in on top of the covers of his bed. "But sure, go ahead. I'll call around, see what restaurants aren't booked up." He said with a wave of his hand as he tried to sound flippant.

Once Jordan was in the bathroom he went into super planning mode though. He had talked about a lot with Jordan throughout the day and the car ride. He'd never admit it to her but New Haven wasn't a plan, New Haven was as far away straight down from Boston as they could go, right to the ocean and gave them enough time to talk and get loosen up to just enjoy each others company.

When he heard the shower start Woody smiled. At least she hadn't thrown herself out of the car into oncoming traffic.

Jordan emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a fluffy white towel shortly later to Woody's pleasure…and frustration. "All yours." She smiled and sauntered past him. Woody stood in the doorway of the bathroom a moment and watched her walk away before continuing in, his clothes for the night tucked under his arm.

When he was dressed and had checked his hair 6 times in the mirror Woody exited the bathroom to find Jordan brushing out the loose waves of her hair in front of the mirror. He stopped still a moment and just watched her without her knowing. The curve of her neck, the smoothness of her skin. Something in his chest almost ached to touch her.

"I still have the mace Farm boy." Jordan said dryly, jolting him out of his little fantasy.

"Funny, you..you…r-ready to go?" he asked and cleared his throat. Jordan nodded.

"One second." She said trying to fix her locket necklace back on to no avail. She jumped as Woody was suddenly behind her with his hands resting softly on her shoulders.

"Let me?" he asked beside her ear and Jordan had to fight a chill that ran up her spine. Without waiting for her permission those tender hands of Woody's gently covered hers and slipped the necklace from her fingers.

She could feel his warm breath on the spot where the side of her neck turned into the top of her shoulder and closed her eyes, bearing her neck unconsciously to him.

"There." Woody breathed and release the necklace before stepping back from her. "All done." He whispered and smiled when she finally opened her eyes and offered him her hand.

Woody watched her turn for the door. Free will suddenly took on a new meaning for him. He'd told Jordan she had free will but remembered in that moment as she started for the door that he had it to. He stood his ground and Jordan turned to look at him in question when she was jerked back at his refusal to move.

"Wha.." Woody cut her off, tugging her hand just hard enough to make her body and lips crash into his. He held her lips tenderly in a chaste kiss, only holding it a moment before he released them reluctantly and smiled.

"So…dinner." He nodded and gave her a little smile as he headed for the door himself, a little more of a hop in his step.


	6. Together

"Here we are, after you." Woody said as he pulled Jordan's chair out for her.

The restaurant was relatively empty for a Friday night and Woody was thankful for the privacy. He wanted nothing more than to spend a quiet night with Jordan and he hoped she would be comfortable enough to let herself enjoy it too.

After a few glasses of wine and a shared dessert, the comments Woody had been holding back all night began to easily slip from his lips. "You know, you look….amazing in that dress." He chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Thank you…" Jordan said a shyly with a slight slur. "Though speaking of which, you got Lily involved in this whole operation? So then you're looking forward to fielding all of the questions when we get back to Boston?" she asked amused. Lily was a great grief counselor but that said nothing of her ability to avoid office gossip. Especially when she'd learned from the king; Nigel.

"What questions?"Woody asked grabbing the bottle of wine from the now melted bucket beside him and topping Jordan's glass off again. " We're…two friends, getting away from the hustle and…and bustle of Boston for a night on the town together. Harmless." Woody shrugged but the creeepings of a smile were on his lips.

"Woody, you had Lily get me a dress and pack a bag for me…a romantic weekend down in New Haven," she said clasping her hands together next to her cheek imagining the fairy tale that was probably playing through Lily's mind as she slept that night.

"I'm sure half the morgue and the PD knows by now. Placing bets on how long it'll last…" Jordan snorted. "I can just see Nigel with his little grid right now, calculating the days, weeks, minutes.." she stopped and looked through the wine to the bottom of the glass. "He needs a life." She said shaking her head and sighed wistfully. "_I_ need a life." She mumbled.

"You have a life Jordan." Woody scolded lightly. "You're here with me aren't you? Dropping everything, coming with me to another state.." he said nodding. "Course I didn't give you much choice did I?" Woody asked with his own wistful sigh and downed the rest of his wine before a realization dawned on him.

"Did I kidnap you?" he asked looking at Jordan.

Between too much wine and too much conversation Jordan wasn't quite sure she wasn't anymore. "I dunno…maybe you did." She laughed. "Well that was certainly another way to go." She said shaking her head.

"But so you didn't answer me…are you prepared to defend my honor when we get back home? Everyone'll want to know how I was in bed…and I'm sure all of the girls will be on me to hear whether your innocence stems into ALL aspects of your life." She smirked and sat back in her chair tired.

Woody smiled. "Nah, even if they did I wouldn't say anything you know that…I'm not the kind to kiss and tell Jordan." He said leaning forward to catch her eye.

Jordan nodded appreciatively. "So maybe you aren't as innocent as I thought." She winked. "But then I guess I've never really asked you about the woman you've dated in Boston. I'm sure they were nothing like me though." She said with a nervous chuckle. She couldn't help but think of someone completely opposite of her. Someone bright and bouncy, blonde and not so jaded. Devan.

Woody sat back. "I really haven't 'dated' anyone since I've been here." Woody explained. "Now if what you're trying to ask is.." he lowered his voice a little. "when the last time I had sex was.." he puffed out his cheeks. "Maybe a year ago." He shrugged. He hoped Jordan didn't connect the time frame to when the Malden killing had occurred. It only took one glance at her face to know she had. He quickly explained.

"It had nothing to do with you Jordan…honest.." he nodded. "It had to do with me and feeling a little lost. I was angry, a little hurt, I wanted comfort… a warm body…that was all. Unfortunately she wanted a relationship but I just couldn't…I broke it off and then.." Jordan cut him off with a raised hand.

"Yeah, Devon..it's okay, you don't need to explain." Jordan said shaking her head with a polite insistence that she didn't need to hear about he and Devon.

Woody couldn't' help but smile. He knew Jordan was always a little uncomfortable with he and Devon hanging out together.

Misconstruing Woody's smile for amusement, Jordan looked away. "I'm sorry…did I say something funny?" she asked feeling a little hurt.

"No no…it's just well…." He touched her hand again. "You think I slept with Devon…don't you?" he whispered looking into her eyes.

"Well, you two were so chummy what with your Chinese food on Sunday nights and all I just thought…" Woody cut her off.

"You assumed…and when you assume you make an ass out of u and me." He quipped but then grew serious. "We didn't sleep together." He said simply.

Jordan smiled softly and felt the air return to her lungs. She had assumed. It had seemed to be obvious at the time that they were sleeping together but now she knew that had just been jealousy making her think that. Jealousy. Now there was a new feeling for Jordan Cavanaugh.

"Sorry…I guess my sex radar is broken….it's been a while." She said trying to laugh it off.

"How long?" Woody asked quietly.

"Well I don't have my sex calendar with me.." Jordan quipped, " but more than a year.." she sighed. "We're kinda pathetic aren't we?" She asked with a sad smile.

"We should probably be looking at anything like a sex object much less each other and here we are, in Connecticut, at a fancy restaurant about to head up to two beds in a hotel room, but you know that's good right? I mean, nothing kills a friendship faster than sex right?" Jordan nodded and looked at Woody for reassurance.

"R-right…yeah." Woody agreed regretfully. And she was right. Sex changed everything once it entered a friendship. But hadn't sexual tension always been a part of their relationship? Woody knew that going back to friends after sex would be next to impossible for he and Jordan, but what if going backwards ended up not even being an issue?

"Well I'm beat…and full, thank you for dinner Woody, really." Jordan said slipping her hand out of his as she stood from the table and went out for air while Woody paid the check.

"So how bout' some dancing and drinks?" Woody asked when he found her outside rubbing her arms.

"I think we've had enough to drink farm boy…and I'm not as young as I used to be.." Jordan countered but smiled appreciatively when Woody slipped his coat off and wrapped it around her shoulders.

"Back to the hotel it is then, I wonder what's on pay per view." Woody mused aloud as they got to the car and he held the door open for her.

Once in bed with the lights off Woody listened to Jordan trying to settle in the next bed over.

It'd been an interesting little get away but he couldn't help feeling like that's all it was. A get away. Something temporary that was nice and fun and relaxing but at the same time fleeting. He wondered if that was how Jordan thought of him. Of their relationship.

"Jordan?" he called out softly. "You awake?"

Jordan grumbled in response but he could tell she was faking it.

"Am I your 'get away'?" he asked a little more clearly and propped himself up on his elbows in time to see her body stiffen.

"What do you mean?" Jordan asked after a moment and cleared her throat. Woody waited silently until she turned over to face his bed.

"Why was I never good enough to sleep with? I mean…" he trailed off with a sigh. "What is it? Is it that I'm 'safe'? Like I'm the buddy you can hang around with and when you feel like it, stir him up into the ceiling like some love sick 4th grader?" he asked quietly and flopped back onto his pillow.

Jordan had never looked at it that way. Of course she never really much took his feelings into consideration before. But now she had let him in a little. After Cal left she had assured Woody that he wasn't alone. He had his friends, his work and most importantly to him, he had her. She'd never really explained to him in what respect she had meant that though.

"No.." Jordan said quickly and sat up. "No Woody it's not like that at all.." she said and climbed out of bed, moving over to sit next to him on his bed. "I…I do care for you Woody…more than I think you know, certainly more than I've ever been willing to admit…" She said and Woody sat up with her.

"So admit it now Jordan….we're alone, there's no work here, no reason to be scared. It's just you and me..okay?.." he whispered and reached out to touch her cheek tenderly. "It's okay." He said against and slowly leaned closer to her, his eyes trying to find hers in the dark.

There was a tense moment before Jordan sighed. "Alright. You want the truth?" she asked and Wody finally found her eyes in the dark.

"Yes.." he whispered back. It was one word but the sincerity of his need to hear the answer echoed much stronger.

"I've always felt like I'm not worthy of you Woody. You're a good guy…" Jordan said and dropped her eyes from his. "Too good for me and I just…I don't know how to mix….to mix love and sex….I've never done well in those type of relationships….I get scared….scared that the other person will leave or…or something will happen to them..." She admitted softly.

Woody listened to her and reached out to capture her chin between his thumb and pointer finger when she looked away. He cleared his throat and felt his heartbeat speed up.

"D-does…does that mean that you umm..that you…?" he asked so softly he thought Jordan might not have heard but he couldn't finish the sentence. He was afraid too. Afraid that he would all of a sudden wake up back in Kewaunee, wake up alone, be right where he was with a Jordan who would say she didn't love him. At least not THAT way.

"Of course Woody.." Jordan finished softly. "I've loved you for a….a very long time. I love you." She whispered as her voice broke a little and she leaned forward to kiss Woody's lips gently. When she pulled back she looked down at his one hand holding hers tightly. "And that's why I haven't….why I couldn't…..it was never about me being too good for you…I just don't know HOW to mix love and sex.." she said softly.

"I told you Jordan…love's not easy…people fall in and out of it all the time. I'm not going to try and tell you that it's impossible for us to fall out of love but I've NEVER felt about anyone how I feel about you. You've driven me half crazy and whole mad. You've gotten me into a lot of sticky situations, ones that, by the way I've wanted to strangle you for…but ….but that's what love is Jordan. It's wanting to be with someone in spite of and in some cases…" he said lifting her chin again to look into her eyes. "BECAUSE of those things. It's about accepting everything they are, the good, the bad…and sex is just a result of wanting to show them how much they love you…how good you make them feel.." he whispered and slid his hand down her side to rest on her hip, his thumb lightly rubbing circles there.

And then there was silence. Woody held his position, one hand on her hip the other holding her hand as he let Jordan process everything he had just said. Then she leaned forward again after an anxious moment passed for Woody and kissed him softly, her tongue slipping out to touch his lips letting him know her decision in a soft breath. "Yes.." she breathed.

Gone was the soft teasing kiss of earlier that night. He wouldn't lose his chance to have her this time. At that moment looking into her eyes and knowing for the first time since they'd met that she was being completely honest with him, the need in her eyes and voice, Woody needed to make her his like he needed his next breath. Maybe more than that.

"I love you too…" he murmured and smiled against her lips.

Jordan sprang into action then, pushing him back onto the bed and stretching out on top of him. She kissed him hard, forcefully; Jordan-ly. She ran her hands over his chest and sides over the undershirt he was wearing and wrapped her arms around his neck when he started to roll her to her back.

Woody alternated between sighs and moans as Jordan's hands roamed over his torso. A tingle ran up his spine and he could control the grin that spread over his face as he dropped his weight down on her.

"What? Something wrong?" Jordan asked stilling her hands as they threaded through his hair.

Woody shook his head slowly, shyly. "No…I..I uhh…this is just kinda…different…" he said and felt his cheeks flush when she looked at him questioningly. "I've never done this with my best friend before." He whispered and the grin grew wider.

"This is gonna change everything." Jordan nodded and traced her thumb across his full bottom lip.

Woody looked down into her eyes. She'd looked at him with a lot of emotions in the past several years but the brassy gold her eyes were right then made him have to think about whether his heart was still beating.

"Good." He finally said in a grunt and seized her lips again. His hands finally made the connection to his brain. This was Jordan, wanting him to hold her, kiss her, touch her. His hands finally began to roam up and down her sides, trailing up the back of her shirt to touch her warm flesh with new found ease. All of the sleepless nights he'd had thinking about what it would be like to be with Jordan couldn't even touch the real thing.

Jordan's hands on his chest pushing him back pulled Woody out of his memorizations of the curve of her hips the smoothness of her skin. She reached down to pull the undershirt up and over his head, tossing it aside and stroking her hands back over the rippled muscles of his chest and abdomen, playfully jabbing into his navel as she smiled and finally raising her eyes to his as her pointer finger trailed down the coarse line of hair disappearing down below the generic blue boxers he wore.

With the last dregs of conscious thought Woody had he tasted the wine on her breath and remembered that Jordan was a little drunk and so was he.

"Jordan?...Jordan wait….oh God.." he moaned when she reached down into his shorts. "Wait!" he said sitting up quickly. "We shouldn't do this right now….we're both a little drunk and well, personally I wanna remember all of this tomorrow and and…you know neither of us can regret this if we know we're sober when…this..happens…" he smiled softly. "We're together now. We made that decision…I think we should wait until we're both with it before this happens…I'm sorry if that sounds silly or whatever b…" Jordan cut him off with a soft kiss as she sat up and smiled at him.

"Wow, I think we're agreeing on something…this IS an occasion I want to remember." She said with a quick wink and kissed him again softly. "Thank you Woody…for everything." She whispered and touched his cheek.

"Is it okay if I slept here…with you?" she asked softly looking up into his eyes. Woody knew that if it was a lot for Jordan to sleep with another person for sex, it must be just as hard for her to spend the night all night in bed with someone.

"Of course it is..come on." Woody said smiling at her softly. He slid back to the pillows and pushed the covers down beckoning Jordan to join him under the covers. "Come here you." He smiled and Jordan climbed in with him and let Woody wrap her in his arms.

"Good night Jordan." He whispered against her ear.

"I love you Woody." Jordan whispered back and wrapped her arms around his torso.


	7. Beside Angels

Waking in the morning with Jordan wrapped in his arms left Woody feeling blessed. He never understood what people meant by that before. All his life he'd been sure he was cursed but since the night before he'd changed his mind.

Cursed men don't have habit of waking up beside angels.

He reached out with one shaky hand to tentatively touch her cheek with the back of his knuckles and she stirred and turned to her other side balling up under the covers. All Woody could do was smile and watch a chocolate curl slide forward over her eyes and lay on the pillow beneath her head.

Woody wanted nothing more to spend the rest of the day lounging in bed talking to Jordan, planning an official date and reminiscing of way back when and all the adventures they'd had together. He knew that wasn't possible..at least it wasn't if they wanted to get back to Boston by nightfall.

He kissed her temple softly once more and slipped out of bed quietly heading into the bathroom and turning on the shower.

As Woody was making his retreat into the shower Jordan rolled over quietly and watched him go. She was surprised to find herself not planning her OWN retreat. She's always been a gather-the-clothes-and-get-the-hell-out-of-there kind of girl and she found herself at a loss for words when she stayed in the bed a few moments longer, listening to the shower start and thinking she could get used to Woody's morning noises. Couldn't she? All of her adult life she'd run from intimacy. Sex was one thing but what she was beginning work on with Woody was true intimacy. She knew she had issues in that department, hell, half the people closest to her in life had told her as much in no uncertain terms.

She sat up and folded her legs under her and looked around the room. Her jeans were only a few feet away but she didn't have that voice in her head screaming at her to put them on. Her shoes were a few feet further but still the voice wasn't telling her to put them on and get her ass out the door ASAP. What did all this mean, she wondered. Where had the voice of reason that had always kept her heart safe gone? She looked at Woody's dirty socks laying on the floor and the jeans he had carefully folded over a chair and smiled.

The voice was still there. Just it was saying something different now.

Woody was still fighting that pending sense of doom that loomed wherever good things happened to him ready to strike him down with the inevitable disaster when he sensed a presence in the room from behind the shower curtain. He reached out a hand to gently part the curtain from where it stuck with humidity to the tiles of the shower and found himself looking at Jordan leaned up against the sink counter.

"Hey there." He finally whispered with raised eyebrows. "There's…uh..there's plenty of room…" he said nodding towards the shower.

Jordan smiled and nodded subtly. She was okay with this. It was just Woody, he was her best friend and if the stars aligned properly he'd soon be her lover. She raised her eyes to his and pulled her t-shirt over her head and tossed it on beside her on the sink. She tried not to feel intimidated by the attention of Woody's startling blue eyes by letting her own dark honey colored ones travel over what of his naked body she could see as she pushed her shorts off and looped her thumbs in the elastic of her underwear, hesitating a moment as she realized they were her last line of defense before complete vulnerability.

"It's okay…this is your show Jordan." Woody said softly letting her know that she was in complete control of whatever happened.

Jordan smiled. She wondered when it suddenly happened that she'd let Woody in enough that he knew what she was thinking a large percentage of the time.

Feeling like Jordan needed a little more encouragement Woody chuckled and shyly opened the curtain completely, watching Jordan's eyes unabashedly trail over his body. She let the underwear slide back to the floor and stepped out of it towards his one outstretched hand.

He couldn't help but feel a little nervous. This was the first time they'd seen each other completely naked.

"Good morning.Jordan said looking around the small space once the curtain was pulled back.

Woody finally felt comfortable enough to let his own eyes wander over Jordan's fit body with her that close. Her slender arms, her taunt belly, the length of the legs he'd always admired.

"Good morning." He said softly and stepped back so that she could be under the spray. "Sleep well?" he asked against her cheek as he pressed a soft kiss there.

Jordan smiled happily and closed her eyes as he kissed her cheek. "Mmmhmm.." she nodded. "I did…but then that might have had something to do with.." she raised up on her tip toes and kissed him lightly on the lips. "The company." She whispered and brought her hands up to run through his short hair.

"Wash your hair yet?" She asked picking up the bottle of shampoo.

Woody had never had a woman wash his hair in the shower before. In past relationships the tub was just another place they'd find to have sex. He'd never just showered with a woman before and certainly not one he wasn't in a sexual relationship with.

"No…I ah…ah…I didn't yet.." Woody replied after a long moment and shifted from one foot to the other as she went about the painstakingly slow process of pooling some shampoo in her palm, closing the bottle and lathering her hands up before she rested her hands on top of his head and began working the shampoo into his hair.

Woody sighed and let his head fall back and his eyes close as her short nails dragged over his scalp. He smiled shyly again when the pressure of her hands pushing his head back caused him to have to reach out and hold her hips to steady himself. Her soft wet skin almost made him stop her from washing his hair and take her right there in the tub but he just cleared his throat and smiled instead.

"Man, I must be good…I think you're purring detective…" Jordan chuckled and rinsed off her hands before guiding his head back under the flow of water to rinse it out.

"Ohhhhh…mannnnn…yeah, yeah you are that good.." Woody said lazily and lifted his head back up to look down at her. "Thanks…your turn?" he asked and picked up the bottle.

Jordan watched him a moment and nodded so subtly that he couldn't be sure she really did so he raised his eyebrows. "Go ahead." She said nodding again and Woody stepped behind her to fold her long hair on top of her head and began to work the shampoo in evenly.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you've done this before." Jordan said after a long moment and Woody just smiled and shook his head. "Naaaah…though I am looking forward to doing it more often…" he said finally mentioning the talk they'd had the night before. The decisions they'd come to, the relationship they'd decided to pursue.

Jordan smiled and reached up to wipe a spot of soap she'd missed on his forehead gently. "Me too…" she said finally stepping closer to him and wrapping her arms around his waist. "Thank you Woody." She whispered.

"For what?" he asked stepping them closer to the shower and tilting her chin to look down into her eyes while at the same time rinsing out her hair.

Jordan waited until he had wrung out her hair before she answered with her cheek resting against his chest. "Giving me the time to admit how I was feeling….I know you must have wanted to wring my neck sometimes but it just…it takes me longer to pull myself together enough to admit things I feel deep down.."she said rubbing his back as they just held each other comfortably under the hot spray.

"You know I never thought I'd say it…but you're right. And whatever has happened in the past…"He held her gaze and pushed back his own matted hair and smiled. "I love you Jordan…and I can't wait to see where this new road takes us.." he whispered and hugged her close until the warm waterran out along with their time away from Boston.


End file.
